The times are a changing! Especially this week, this month and this year.
In January I promised myself I would take action; I would stop "thinking" about what I desired or wanted to accomplish and I would start pursuing them. I am a true believer that what you spend your time visualizing in your mind will attract itself to you. Negative or positive. I have experienced this first hand on many levels.
I have through out my life spent to much time analyzing a situation that is very serious or contemplating a decision for so long that it back fires on me. I never even give myself the chance to vocalize properly or act on what I really want. I will not tolerate this anymore.
Last week I broke down some walls. I faced my fear of change head on. Literally! I dyed my hair platinum blond and cut 5 inches off. I was in shock. I broke into hives. Then, I was surprisingly calm and was filled with this sense of accomplishment. I know to some of you who are reading this may be wondering what the big deal is. Its just hair, Right!? ..... Right! It is. I let go of my attachment to it and I let go of my fear of change in the physical sense and it helped me grow emotionally. The follow through and the commitment was also important to me.
A few days later, I put myself in another personally challenging situation. I auditioned for this theater group that I had been wanting to join for a long time. As a young kid I really enjoyed acting in theater. I would attend this acting camp every summer. It was wonderful.... We would play and laugh and run around! Toward the end of the camp we would find out what play we would be putting on for our town. This particular summer that I remember best, the chosen play was "Peter Pan." I was thrilled. I loved that movie when I was a child. I knew exactly what role I would go out for. Tiger Lilly. It will be perfect I thought. I will braid my hair and wear an Indian head piece. I had it all planned out. I practiced every day for a week. The day of my audition was one that I did not remember until recent times. I was in the bathroom fixing my hair. My parents were in their room with the door shut. They had been fighting for hours. I was trying not to listen, but I couldn't help it. I checked the clock and realized that I needed to have one of them take me downtown.
I banged on the wall. A few moments later, the door flew open and my dad walked out. He had a small duffel bag in his hand. He said, "Terra, I'm leaving for awhile. Your mother and I are separating." I don't remember what I said or what I did. Knowing me I probably did not really react. It seems to be the way I handle let downs or hurt. He left. My mother drove me downtown. She was a mess. I don't think we really spoke. I got out of the car, went upstairs, signed in and waited for my name to be called. I felt sick inside. My hands started to sweat. I smiled at my competition. My name startled me, "Terra Christina?" I stood and walked in my teachers smokey office. "Read Terra. I don't got all day." 'I don't have to read it, I have it memorized." I said as if I was lying and proud at the same time. "Come on kid, do whatever you gotta do and make it fast."
So- I did. I was horrible. It was like I was brain dead and tongue tied. I fucked up. All my hard work and for nothing. I was so angry! I walked down the stairs of the dirty, forgotten building. I saw my mother sitting in the car holding her head. Waiting for me. She looked small. The sun was setting and the light was soft. It made her appear even younger then she was. I opened the car door and closed it on my dream. My passion. I acted as if everything was fine. I told my mom I did fine. I said she looked fine. Everything
was fine, fine, fine. Numb.I never got the part. I closed that door. I did not pursue what made me happy. Until now. This is just another thing that I always thought about doing. Opening myself back up to that young girl inside me. My true self.
Thus- going forth with my present audition and being accepted is huge. I am actively trying to heal some of the wounds I have acquired over the years. I am scared shit less to put myself out there. I can only do my best and get as much out of these new experience that I can.
I will update you all soon. I am sure there will be new and outrageous "Terra Tales!"
Be you and be well
xoxo
