It has been quite some time since I have updated "Terra Tales." I have a tendency to sort of get very attached to something and really give it my all and then well, not. One could say that committing myself in a very real way to anything is not one of my strongest attributes. In my own defense though, when I am into something I am truly attentive and focused. I have been feeling drawn to write again. So today I write.
A week or so from now it is my birthday. I will be turning 31. I am officially in my thirty's! When I first turned 30 it felt like a trial run. The thought "Am I really 30?" kept going through my head over and over. I just could not grasp it. Now, 31 has crept around the corner and I have no choice but to embrace it. Some days I am more positive about it then others. I have to say that I am in aah of how different my thirty's have been in comparison with my twenty's. For starters, I felt like I went through puberty again! Seriously. My body began to change. All of a sudden my hips were wider, my tits grew and I realized I really do have to work-out and not eat P.B. & J sandwiches with potato chips on them whenever I want. Another thing is I rarely go out. If I do its too a really great restaurant and I am beyond excited about it. I don't watch The Real World anymore, the words "like" and "you know" no longer run rampant through my vocabulary and I am much quieter than I used to be. In reality I am a woman and not a young girl. This is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.
My twenty's were a whirlwind. Full of magic, wonderment, and excitement. As high as my highs were my lows were equally low. There was zero balance during this time. I was living this fabulous life embracing my girlhood, yet finding myself relentlessly involved in these very grown-up scenarios. Such as a devastating fire, a marriage, a passionate love affair, a divorce and even a stalker. (All of which would need their own blogs to even halfway explain) In all fairness isn't part of ones youth not understanding the magnitude of the consequences from their actions?! I just didn't think about mine. I lived in this bubble. I can do what I want whenever I want. That was my MO. I was invincible. Little did I know that it would all hit me like a ton of bricks one day.
A couple of years ago I moved from Hollywood back to Santa Monica. It was a deliberate move. Consciously I was moving there because it was close to the beach, a lot of my friends lived on the west side and it was safer. Unconsciously I was running away from myself, fear and painful memories. I was very good at this. I did the same thing when I left home and moved to LA in the first place. I also did it when I left LA for a hot minute and lived back in Portland and I did it again when I left Portland to come back to LA. I'm a flight risk and I should be on the no fly list! Anyways, I just didn't want any reminders of anything that could potentially pop my bubble. This went on for awhile. The most extreme act of abandoning myself was getting rid of my lovely brown hair. "Chop it and dye it." I told my hair dresser. This was just for fun! "Why not" was my reasoning, but it was much darker then that. I didn't want to even recognise myself. This huge physical change started to provoke something else. I asked myself in the mirror one day "What are you so scared of?" and then of course I answered my own question with "Me." I was truly scared of allowing myself to feel. I knew that I had to change this because my life depended on it. I had been so sad and depressed in that past year. Nothing seemed to be going the way I thought it was going to go. Work, relationships ect. Even though I was allowing myself the freedom of trying new things and being creative with painting, writing and theater it was all a facade. I wasn't doing the real work. I hadn't healed the real me.
Slowly during this last year I started opening my Pandora's box. Emotions and thoughts that were scary and painful came in waves. Instead of running I simply allowed them to flow through me. I took on my disappointment, my shame and my hurt and I let it live in me instead of never even opening the door. In short there were consequences for my actions. It is important for me to say that I do not dwell on these emotions but I acknowledge them and give them a place inside me to visit when need be. I also decided that I am who I am and natural is best so I dyed my hair back to brown. I'm settling back into me and getting to know the new emerging me and it is amazing... things are good. I can appreciate this whole grown-up thing but don't ask me to get up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve because I wont. I just might run into Santa....
xo
xo
