The years teach much which the days never knew. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It has been quite some time since I have updated "Terra Tales." I have a tendency to sort of get very attached to something and really give it my all and then well, not. One could say that committing myself in a very real way to anything is not one of my strongest attributes. In my own defense though, when I am into something I am truly attentive and focused. I have been feeling drawn to write again. So today I write.

A week or so from now it is my birthday. I will be turning 31. I am officially in my thirty's! When I first turned 30 it felt like a trial run. The thought "Am I really 30?" kept going through my head over and over. I just could not grasp it. Now, 31 has crept around the corner and I have no choice but to embrace it. Some days I am more positive about it then others. I have to say that I am in aah of how different my thirty's have been in comparison with my twenty's. For starters, I felt like I went through puberty again! Seriously. My body began to change. All of a sudden my hips were wider, my tits grew and I realized I really do have to work-out and not eat P.B. & J sandwiches with potato chips on them whenever I want. Another thing is I rarely go out. If I do its too a really great restaurant and I am beyond excited about it. I don't watch The Real World anymore, the words "like" and "you know" no longer run rampant through my vocabulary and I am much quieter than I used to be. In reality I am a woman and not a young girl. This is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

My twenty's were a whirlwind. Full of magic, wonderment, and excitement. As high as my highs were my lows were equally low. There was zero balance during this time. I was living this fabulous life embracing my girlhood, yet finding myself relentlessly involved in these very grown-up scenarios. Such as a devastating fire, a marriage, a passionate love affair, a divorce and even a stalker. (All of which would need their own blogs to even halfway explain) In all fairness isn't part of ones youth not understanding the magnitude of the consequences from their actions?! I just didn't think about mine. I lived in this bubble. I can do what I want whenever I want. That was my MO. I was invincible. Little did I know that it would all hit me like a ton of bricks one day.

A couple of years ago I moved from Hollywood back to Santa Monica. It was a deliberate move. Consciously I was moving there because it was close to the beach, a lot of my friends lived on the west side and it was safer. Unconsciously I was running away from myself, fear and painful memories. I was very good at this. I did the same thing when I left home and moved to LA in the first place. I also did it when I left LA for a hot minute and lived back in Portland and I did it again when I left Portland to come back to LA. I'm a flight risk and I should be on the no fly list! Anyways, I just didn't want any reminders of anything that could potentially pop my bubble. This went on for awhile. The most extreme act of abandoning myself was getting rid of my lovely brown hair. "Chop it and dye it." I told my hair dresser. This was just for fun! "Why not" was my reasoning, but it was much darker then that. I didn't want to even recognise myself. This huge physical change started to provoke something else. I asked myself in the mirror one day "What are you so scared of?" and then of course I answered my own question with "Me." I was truly scared of allowing myself to feel. I knew that I had to change this because my life depended on it. I had been so sad and depressed in that past year. Nothing seemed to be going the way I thought it was going to go. Work, relationships ect. Even though I was allowing myself the freedom of trying new things and being creative with painting, writing and theater it was all a facade. I wasn't doing the real work. I hadn't healed the real me.

Slowly during this last year I started opening my Pandora's box. Emotions and thoughts that were scary and painful came in waves. Instead of running I simply allowed them to flow through me. I took on my disappointment, my shame and my hurt and I let it live in me instead of never even opening the door. In short there were consequences for my actions. It is important for me to say that I do not dwell on these emotions but I acknowledge them and give them a place inside me to visit when need be. I also decided that I am who I am and natural is best so I dyed my hair back to brown. I'm settling back into me and getting to know the new emerging me and it is amazing... things are good. I can appreciate this whole grown-up thing but don't ask me to get up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve because I wont. I just might run into Santa....

xo

Cha..Cha..Changes, Turn and Face the Strain.

The times are a changing! Especially this week, this month and this year.
In January I promised myself I would take action; I would stop "thinking" about what I desired or wanted to accomplish and I would start pursuing them. I am a true believer that what you spend your time visualizing in your mind will attract itself to you. Negative or positive. I have experienced this first hand on many levels.
I have through out my life spent to much time analyzing a situation that is very serious or contemplating a decision for so long that it back fires on me. I never even give myself the chance to vocalize properly or act on what I really want. I will not tolerate this anymore.

Last week I broke down some walls. I faced my fear of change head on. Literally! I dyed my hair platinum blond and cut 5 inches off. I was in shock. I broke into hives. Then, I was surprisingly calm and was filled with this sense of accomplishment. I know to some of you who are reading this may be wondering what the big deal is. Its just hair, Right!? ..... Right! It is. I let go of my attachment to it and I let go of my fear of change in the physical sense and it helped me grow emotionally. The follow through and the commitment was also important to me.

A few days later, I put myself in another personally challenging situation. I auditioned for this theater group that I had been wanting to join for a long time. As a young kid I really enjoyed acting in theater. I would attend this acting camp every summer. It was wonderful.... We would play and laugh and run around! Toward the end of the camp we would find out what play we would be putting on for our town. This particular summer that I remember best, the chosen play was "Peter Pan." I was thrilled. I loved that movie when I was a child. I knew exactly what role I would go out for. Tiger Lilly. It will be perfect I thought. I will braid my hair and wear an Indian head piece. I had it all planned out. I practiced every day for a week. The day of my audition was one that I did not remember until recent times. I was in the bathroom fixing my hair. My parents were in their room with the door shut. They had been fighting for hours. I was trying not to listen, but I couldn't help it. I checked the clock and realized that I needed to have one of them take me downtown.
I banged on the wall. A few moments later, the door flew open and my dad walked out. He had a small duffel bag in his hand. He said, "Terra, I'm leaving for awhile. Your mother and I are separating." I don't remember what I said or what I did. Knowing me I probably did not really react. It seems to be the way I handle let downs or hurt. He left. My mother drove me downtown. She was a mess. I don't think we really spoke. I got out of the car, went upstairs, signed in and waited for my name to be called. I felt sick inside. My hands started to sweat. I smiled at my competition. My name startled me, "Terra Christina?" I stood and walked in my teachers smokey office. "Read Terra. I don't got all day." 'I don't have to read it, I have it memorized." I said as if I was lying and proud at the same time. "Come on kid, do whatever you gotta do and make it fast."

So- I did. I was horrible. It was like I was brain dead and tongue tied. I fucked up. All my hard work and for nothing. I was so angry! I walked down the stairs of the dirty, forgotten building. I saw my mother sitting in the car holding her head. Waiting for me. She looked small. The sun was setting and the light was soft. It made her appear even younger then she was. I opened the car door and closed it on my dream. My passion. I acted as if everything was fine. I told my mom I did fine. I said she looked fine. Everything was fine, fine, fine. Numb.
I never got the part. I closed that door. I did not pursue what made me happy. Until now. This is just another thing that I always thought about doing. Opening myself back up to that young girl inside me. My true self.

Thus- going forth with my present audition and being accepted is huge. I am actively trying to heal some of the wounds I have acquired over the years. I am scared shit less to put myself out there. I can only do my best and get as much out of these new experience that I can.

I will update you all soon. I am sure there will be new and outrageous "Terra Tales!"

Be you and be well
xoxo

More Flowers than Weeds..

At times I find myself walking through my life with my armor on, shield up. So sensitive that the smallest sense of negative energy and my emotional sword goes swinging. Other times, I feel as though I am putting myself out there so much that I am literally naked to the eye, the mind and the soul.

Last night I went to a friends birthday party. I knew no one except for my friend who's party it was. I was shocked to find that everyone was so friendly and open. It was all women and quite frankly women can be extremely hard on other women! It is horrible. It makes social gatherings like this stressful in a way. Why do we do this to one another?! Anyways, we all laughed, told stories, encouraged and supported one another. Even though most of us were strangers. I felt lifted and energised when I left. I felt the power of WOMAN. It was fantastic!

At the end of the night, when the day had turned into the next I found myself feeling the other end of the WOMAN spectrum. I laid next to the one I loved and felt small, fragile and vulnerable. I melted into his arms. These moments are honestly some of the best of my 24. My femininity shines and my defenses become shadows.

The power of my womanhood has so many levels and styles. Us women have so many sides. This is such a gift. We are so magical... Sometimes I forget this but yesterday I was given the chance to see this over and over.

There are more flowers than weeds around me and that is a beautiful thing.
xo

Past and Present

My birthday is just around the corner. In a couple months I turn the big 3-0! This birthday seems to be quite effective in creating a new buzz through out my being. I will no longer be in my twenties. A decade I dedicated to selfishness, abundance, heartache, adventure, expectations, failed expectations, work, love and so many other people, places and things. All in the name of youth! Second chances! It was extremes. Extremely wonderful and at the same time extremely devastating.... but that is what your 20's are for. Right?!
I suppose I am having a hard time with my own personal retrospect of all this. I am finding it hard to combine the past with the present. It is like two people in a room fighting to be the center of attention. It's one friend (the past) yelling out "Hey! Remember what I did! It was so fun and cool! Can I tell you all about it?" and the other friend (the present) is yelling "Excuse me, I am talking! Nobody wants to hear what you have to say right now."

There are definitely a few things that I am glad I grew out of. Traits that seem to follow you around when you are young. Like talking to much because it is uncomfortable in your own silence, not exactly appreciating your body, physically or emotionally, and sacrificing your true self because you want to be accepted and loved. I have to say though, I do feel this wave of control coming over me as I ease out of this past decade and into the next. I look forward to having real confidence instead of false. I am in touch with my body and mind more than I have ever been and I am the most genuine representation of myself thus far. This seems to calm the ugly head of anxiety that at times creeps out during this "coming of age" process.

So- with all this new emotion and energy that this change brings, I will be channeling it with all my might. I am on a new journey now. One of education, creation, self assurance and enchantment. I know there will be moments where all of this will be easier said than done, but I am promising myself that I will take full advantage of what my future has to offer.

On a lighter note! I will be spending my birthday in Miami this year with some friends. I am so excited. I have not yet been to the famed South Beach. I will also be throwing a party at my new house. I will keep everyone posted on that event.

Youth passes like a dream.
- Theocritus

xoxo

Bringing back the 80's!

The meaning of Christmas is sometimes overlooked. Family gatherings, mounds of food, sparkling trees and gifts galore. So- I started out my Christmas like I always do. I attended midnight Mass. I sat in church and silently spoke to God about my deepest thoughts, and at that moment I was very aware of the true meaning of this special time of year. The service started out with an insightful and inspiring sermon. The priest spoke about the light of God. The light was his love and it has shined inside of every single one of us since before our souls ever entered into this world. Tears of gratitude filled my eyes.... The Lord was born to love me, forgive me, give me my strength when I was weak and heal the pains of human trials and errors. What would we be without this. How dark would the world really be? It is a terrifying thought. I gathered myself as we sang "Silent Night" and followed the procession of church goers outside to place our lit candelas in the snow. My boyfriend Michael placed his candle next to mine and we stood in the crisp, dark night and watched our lights burn bright. It was a omen of divine love, of the Lords light. Thank you God, for sending me one of your Angels....
Afterwards, we headed back to the house, drank hot chocolate and began watching the 24 hour marathon of "The Christmas Story". It was perfect.

When I awoke the next morning, I remembered it was Christmas!! Whoohoo!! Michael and I were were like kids all over again. We ran upstairs and looked at all the colorful paper and the bows and ribbons. It was magical. I went to the kitchen and took out the cheese ball I had made the night before. This was a family recipe and it was a tradition to have it for breakfast on Christmas morning. Yum! We seemed to rip through the gifts quickly, everyone taking their turn and looking at everyone else's goodies. We started to notice the snow falling outside and decided it was an ideal time to get our sledding on!! We had just enough time before the Laker game.

Michael's Mom had numerous ski outfits in the closet downstairs that she said I was more than welcome to use. I found the best one. Straight out of the eighties!! It was amazing. I geared up, put my hair in a side-ponytail(it seemed fitting!) and was off. We had a blast. The snow was soft and fresh. I couldn't even remember the last time I had really gone sledding. My first run was the best, believe it or not. Although I did fly off a jump that I didn't even know was there. I have the bruises on my bum to prove it. After awhile the cold had gotten the best of us so we headed back to the house. It was so much fun. I felt like I was fourteen again, not to mention I looked like I did at fourteen! (See above pic) Next up, snowboarding.

Anyways, it was a wonderful day and held many priceless memories. The only thing that could have made the icing on the cake would have been having all my family with me. You were all with me in spirit.

xoxo

Memories of Christmas past

Today I am preparing for my winter holiday....

Packing and re-packing. I feel totally unprepared for I own the exact opposite of winter apparel. As I spend this time alone with my thoughts, I start to think back on all the different Christmas experiences I have had over the years. One of which was as a child. I was around five years old. It is one of the few holiday memories I have of being with all of my family in Akron, Ohio. My parents were still together and my brother Taylor was only a year or two. Half the day was spent with my fathers family. The Italians. I have numerous cousins on this side and we are all very close in age. My cousins AnneMarie, Theresa, MaryKay and I would all play dress up. With costume jewelry on and our new doll babies by our side, we would prance around the house pose for pictures and smile when our fathers would tell us that we were the prettiest girls in the world. The food was authentic and so were the people. The other half of the day was spent with my mothers side of the family. The English/Germans. I was the oldest of the grandchildren and really had to just entertain myself. I remember sitting on my great-grandfathers knee. I remember his hands looking so big. He had been a farmer most of his life and his hands were proof of this. I would sneak cookie after cookie and I would eat my grandmothers famous cheese ball until I felt sick. My favorite thing was to sit under the dining room table and listen to the grown-ups. Their stories were like fables of a far off land. I enjoyed this very much.

So this was Christmas! The changing of houses, the different foods, and the anticipation of all the gifts I was going to get to unwrap and play with. I only attended these family gatherings a couple times before moving to Klamath Falls, OR ; yet the thought of these times stay in me. The crazy thing is that now my mother is closer to the age her mother was then and I am closer to the age that my mother was and my brother is the age my uncles were. The time has gone by quicker than snowflakes in a snowstorm....

This year I look forward to Christmas with new friends and new family. The little girl inside me is still just as excited! This is my favorite time of year. I will reflect on my experiences, my memories and my accomplishments. Now that I am grown the anticipation of this new year and all that it hold is just as magical as it was as when I was a young girl opening that one special gift from Santa and hoping it was a Barbie!!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my friends and family!!! I love you all very much!

xoxo

My Art History

I have started back at school again. This was a pretty big deal for me. I was so nervous about it. I am not sure why. Self-doubt, insecurities, ego ect. All of those things seem to come out when you try to change ones self. I went for it though. Jumped right in!

One of the classes I am taking is Art History. It is terribly time consuming, full of incredible knowledge and absolutely mind boggling! This class covers the 13th century-19th century art. I have found a few unexpected favorites. Such as Botticelli (was actually one of my favorites before the class), Jan Van Eyck, and Titian.

There has been times during this class that I wanted to pull my hair out, but overall I have really gotten into. I surprised myself. What was even a bigger surprise was the essence of humanism that arouse during that time. The Renaissance Period established many of the ideals, rituals, architecture and self-interest that we still use and rely on today. All of this was fascinating to me. I have always been into art as well as history, but until you are properly informed about art and the artist it is quite hard to truly understand outside of admiring ones beauty.

I can honestly say "I already feel smarter!" Its rad... This class has inspired me to start painting. I will post a picture of my first painting. The part of myself that is a painter is very unfamiliar. I feel like I am discovering a new part of myself creatively. It is magical.

Anyways, I am so lucky that I am going through a period of time where I am able to put myself back into school emotionally, physically and financially. I am in aww... of this. Quite proud. When I was younger, even only a few years ago I would never have believed I could do this. Knowledge is power. Period. I will be taking two more classes by this next semester and within a year and a half or so I will be transferring to a university to acquire a degree is Psychology. This is a huge step in re-connecting with others and most importantly re-connecting with myself.
Wish me luck!!
Love-
xoxo